I was in the dentist chair a few days ago. As usual, I was clutching the arms of what I always imagine to be the death chair while trying to maintain my cool points. The hygienist, a young blonde woman, was not fooled at all so she began to chatter in an effort to ‘relax” me.
“Do you watch any of that trash TV?” she asked while scraping tartar from my back molars.
“Ganhh?” I asked.
“You know,” she continued scraping, “those trashy reality TV shows.”
“Uh unh,” I slobbered almost choking.
“Oh, how can you not! There’s some really good one’s on now.” She shoved a tiny vacuum in my mouth to suck out the spit and kept talking. “They’ve got the whole housewives series. And there one about the hip hop rappers and the ball players wives. I think I watch about all of them!”
I tried to say ‘Obviously, you need a hobby’ but it came out like “Ank sluss gah cra cree.”
“You’re doing just fine, honey. Almost done here,” she cooed at me. She shoved the tiny vacuum back into my mouth and pulled it out despite my attempts to hold on to it for a couple of seconds more.
“But my favorite is Sugar BonBon. Do you know that one?” she asked while examining an especially lethal looking sharp steel tool.
I didn’t answer because I was busy trying to figure out what she was getting ready to slay with that bayonet-looking needle in her hand. She went in to my mouth with that needle.
“Little pinch,” she said cheerfully.
It wasn’t little.
“She is the cutest little girl! A pretty dainty little thing but you know they try to make her and her Mama look like a backwoods red necks. Sugar BonBon is a little beauty queen and her mother is her manager, I guess. Anyway, it is a little trashy but still a good show.”
By then, I had to spit. I held my mouth open obediently as she vacuumed along my gums.
“I just love it when they show real people on TV. You know? People like us. Everybody isn’t rich and fancy. I don’t have anything against those people but that is not how most people live!”
I decided to settle in and let her chat on. And she did. She described the entire HBB family, her most exciting moments and the recipe for an energy drink that the little girl guzzles before her pageants.
“My little girl took pictures at church last Sunday and I fixed her hair just like Sugar BonBon wears hers. She looked real pretty!”
After a few moments, she squirted frigid water in my mouth then vacuumed it out.
“You’re all done, Sweetie! You did real well and I got your teeth looking real pretty. Come on up to the front and we’ll schedule your next appointment,” she gave me a sugary smile and set my death chair upright.
At the front desk, I waited with numb lips while she set up my next visit. She handed me an appointment card.
“That’s when you come to see me again,” she leaned in and lowered her voice. “On the back, I put the day and time that Sugar BonBon’s show comes on. Watch it and we’ll talk about it next time. ‘K?”
“Gah,” I nodded and turned to leave.
“I know you’re gonna be hooked!” She waved and smiled.
Once in my car, I looked in the mirror. My teeth did look real pretty but I still don’t plan on watching the show.